I haven't given you a story in some time and I need to recitify that. While I'm typing away on the next piece, I decided to share my ancient foray into telling a children's story. I always wanted some poor soul to illustrate this but never had the nerve to ask!
While the story is suitable for children, let's just say I am weird. I do not apologize for this.
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs who lived at home with their mother. Their names were Mucky, Greedy, and Paranoid Pig
One morning the youngest, Greedy Pig, was waiting in the kitchen for his mother to finish icing a scrumptious strawberry cake.
Greedy had already licked the bowl, spoon, and baking dish clean, but he was still hungry for cake.
His mother put the last strawberry on top of the cake and stepped back to examine her work
“It’s the best cake I’ve ever made!” His mother declared proudly. “Are you ready to try it?”
Greedy jumped from his stool, fork in hand, ready to devour the whole cake.
“You can’t eat the entire thing!” His mother declared. “You must share with your brothers!”
Greedy Pig pouted.” I always have to share! If I had my own house I would never have to share cake with anyone and could have it all to myself!”
With that Greedy Pig stomped out of his mother’s house and went in search of materials to build his very own house.
Now Greedy Pig was also a bit lazy and didn’t want to search very hard for building materials. While he thought of what he could use, he decided to go over to the farm where he knew the farmer grew the best watermelons.
Greedy Pig was finishing up his third melon when he remembered that this farm also had hay!
“I can just use the farmer’s hay to build my house!” Greedy Pig thought. “The farmer has so much hay he won’t mind if I borrow some.”
So Greedy Pig went into the field where the farmer was drying his hay and he took all the hay from three very large haystacks.
The hay was very light and easy to weave into hay mats, so in no time at all Greedy Pig had built himself a nice straw house.
That afternoon at the three little pigs’ mother’s house, Mucky Pig, was fussed at for his very messy room.
“Mucky, you never clean this place! It looks worse than the sty out back.” His mother told him. “And you’re covered in mud! I can hardly tell it’s you under all that filth!”
“I’m tired of always having to clean my room and take baths.” Mucky Pig declared. “I’m going to move out and get my own place like my brother Greedy, then I won’t have to do chores all the time!”
So Mucky Pig left his mother’s house and went in search of materials to build his very own house.
Now Mucky Pig, like his younger brother, was also a little lazy. Mucky liked nothing better than to sit all day long in a very large, very mucky mud puddle. While he thought of what he could use to build his house, Mucky went to his favorite mud puddle in the middle of the woods.
As Mucky was sitting there, playing in the mud, he noticed a twig sticking up in the puddle.
“I can use the twigs in the forest to build my house!” Mucky Pig thought. “There are plenty of twigs in the forest and if I need more I can just chop down a tree!”
So Mucky Pig began to collect twigs and even cut down several very large trees so he could use the twigs from their trunk.
In no time at all Mucky Pig had a fine twig house that was held together by the stickiest mud he could find.
That evening the oldest little pig, Paranoid Pig, was the only little pig still living at his mother’s house. But Paranoid Pig could tell his mother was thinking it was time for him to move out too.
So Paranoid Pig packed up all of his aluminum foil and egg cartons and decided to move out on his own too.
Paranoid Pig was not lazy like his brothers but always seemed to be doing something, even at times he probably should have been still.
One thing Paranoid Pig was afraid of more than any aliens or government cloning programs was the Big Bad Wolf that lived in the area. Paranoid Pig had heard the theories about how the wolf was actually a spy for a foreign government and was here on a secret mission to collect the thoughts of all the little pigs in the area.
Paranoid Pig knew that the only thing to stop the wolf’s ultra-secret spy devices was to build a very solid house of bricks.
So Paranoid Pig got online and contacted one of his friends who knew how to procure special bricks that didn’t contain listening devices embedded in them and had them sent to a special location.
Paranoid Pig soon had a very solid brick house to live in.
For a week, everything went fine for the three little pigs. Then word got around that the Big Bad Wolf was in town looking for them. Of course, the only Pig that was worried was Paranoid.
The Big Bad Wolf first came to the house of Greedy Pig. He tried to knock hard on the Pig’s front door, but hay is very soft and the Big Bad Wolf accidentally knocked a large hole in the straw door.
“Little Pig Little Pig let me in!” The wolf yelled through the hole in the front door.
Greedy became frightened at the wolf head suddenly appearing through his straw door.
“I don’t know you and I will not let you in!” Greedy said as he ran to hide in his kitchen.
Before Greedy got very far he felt his house begin to shake. The wolf was huffing and puffing at his front door! With one large blast from the wolf, the straw house fell into shattered ruins.
Greedy didn’t wait a second longer. He ran away from his ruined house and headed straight for his brother Mucky’s twig house.
Mucky was outside in a particularly muddy mud hole when his brother came chugging slowly through the forest.
“Wo…wo…wolf is coming!” Greedy finally managed to get out after much wheezing.
Mucky got out of his mud hole as fast as he could and he left muddy little hoof prints all the way back into his house. Greedy followed his older brother as fast as his chubby little legs would go.
“Don’t worry, my house is much stronger than yours!” Mucky Pig told his younger brother. “The wolf could never get us here!”
They watched from the muddy stick windows until they saw the wolf coming towards the house. It took the wolf nearly five whole minutes to get to the front door because of all the junk in Mucky’s front yard.
The wolf tried to knock loudly on the front door, but his paw got stuck in the muddy mess that held the twigs together.
“Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in!” The wolf yelled as he tried to pull his paw free from the mucky door.
The wolf pulled back hard on the front door and some of the mud stuck to his fur came with it. There was now a hole in Mucky’s front door!
“After he tears a hole in your door, he blows the whole house down!” Greedy warned as he ran to hide behind Mucky’s stick couch but decided not to once he saw the trash piled up behind it.
“Then let’s get out of here!” Mucky said.
Mucky and Greedy barely got the back door unstuck when a great wind came up and the stick house was blown into many clumps of sticky mud and wood. The two brothers ran away, trying to avoid the muddy missiles as they headed towards the home of their brother Paranoid.
When Mucky and Greedy got to the grassy knoll where their brother Paranoid had built his house, they met with a very large iron gate topped with razor wire that went around the perimeter of Paranoid’s property. Cameras watched everything that moved.
Mucky rang the doorbell while Greedy banged on the gate.
“Brother!” Called Mucky into the intercom. “Let us in! The wolf is after us. He’s already blown down my house and Greedy’s with single puffs of his great breath!”
Cameras scanned in on the two Pigs at the gate. For a moment they waited, still trying to catch their breaths from running from the wolf. The gate buzzed and opened just wide enough to let the two brothers enter.
Mucky and Greedy wasted no time in racing straight to the solid looking two-story house their brother had built. Paranoid was peeking out to watch their progress. He opened the door for his brothers then shut it quickly behind him. He locked three deadbolts, two chain locks, and four slider bolts before turning to walk to a desk with no less than seven computer screens on it.
Mucky and Greedy watched as Paranoid hit keys and the screens changed to show the views from the outside cameras. They could all see the Big Bad Wolf coming up the front gate.
The wolf looked up at the camera nearest him and called out.
“Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in!” The wolf said in a very stuffy voice.
“What do you want?” Paranoid asked through his spiffy intercom.
“I need to talk to Greedy and Mucky.” The wolf pulled a tissue from his pocket and blew his nose.
“We’re not going out there!” Greedy said. “He blew down my house, then went on to blow down Mucky’s! If we go out there he’ll surely eat us!”
“No! That was a…a…..ACHOO!” The wolf let out a great sneeze. The sneeze was so great that it made Paranoid’s camera blow completely off the metal gate.
“Sorry.” The wolf said after blowing his nose again into the tissue.
Paranoid hit another key and the three little Pigs could now see the wolf from a new angle.
“I didn’t mean to blow down your houses.” The wolf said. “I’m allergic to hay and when I knocked on your door and the hay dust flew up, I couldn’t help sneezing.”
“Well, what about my house?” Mucky asked. “Why did you blow that one down?”
“Well, I was still a bit sneezy from the hay house.” The wolf admitted. “But all the dust and muckiness from your house got into my sensitive nose and I had to sneeze again.”
“That explains why you knocked down the houses.” Paranoid said as he readjusted his aluminum foil hat over his piggy ears. “But what do you want? Are you here to steal my thoughts and sell them to the government?”
The wolf wrinkled his forehead and scratched behind his right ear.
“Why would I do that?” The wolf asked in a very confused voice. “How would I do that?”
“Satellite beams.” Paranoid answered knowingly. “The brain works like a satellite dish. You can take thoughts out and put them in if you have the right—“
“What do you want?” Greedy asked by interrupting his brother.
“I need you to tell the police what happened last week.” The wolf said. “They think I stole the hay from the farmer and chopped down the tree in Grimm National Forest.”
“I didn’t steal the hay!” Greedy said. “I only borrowed it to make my house.”
“And what’s wrong with cutting down trees in a forest?” Mucky asked. “There are plenty of them. No one would miss just one!”
“It is stealing if the person who owns the thing you take didn’t give you permission to take it.” The wolf said. “And it’s illegal to cut down trees in a national forest. They protect them because if everyone cut down a tree when they felt like it without replanting another one we’d run out of trees.”
“Well, he’s right.” Paranoid shrugged.
Paranoid walked away from his computers and pushed a button on his intercom system. The gate buzzed and opened to let the wolf enter.
“What are you doing?” Mucky cried out. “If you let him in, he will surely eat us!”
Paranoid shrugged again and went to where his cell phone was sitting. The wolf entered the house as Paranoid dialed three numbers and waited patiently.
“Hello? This is Paranoid Pig out on the house on the grassy knoll. I’m calling to let the police know I have three suspects in custody.” Paranoid turned away from his brothers’ and the wolf’s stares. “Yes, one is wanted for theft, one for felling a tree in a national forest, and a third for destruction of property. Please tell the police to pick them up as soon as possible.”
Since Mucky, Greedy, and the Big Bad Wolf were already in the gate, they could not leave without knowing Paranoid’s code. They had no choice but to wait until the police came to cart them off to jail. Paranoid waved as the police car pulled out of his yard and the gate closed behind them.
And he lived happily ever after.
My lofty dreams of being a famous & brilliant writer were literally smacked out of my head. Now I plan to fill the void with copious amounts of subpar writing!